Recovery from relapse - day 3

well, i entered the fog of food addiction once more and i am really feeling the after effects. I had about a week on my new food plan and i was starting to feel cranky and angry that i couldn't partake in all the sweets i was around all week and then bam! I ended up binging for about a week before I could lift myself out of it. It all started with a lunch i had last sat. and i accidently drank a very sugary drink that i thought was artifically sweetened low cal and i immediately started craving sweets. I was out walking around trying to buy some literature on overeating, particularly a good memoir about someone's struggle with the issue and i just started seeing the food everywhere so i headed back home for a nap. A phone call from my bf woke me up and he asked me to meet him and his friends for dinner and i just couldnt' face a big meal with other people in my condition and i think my bf was disappointed by my declination. And basically as soon as i got off the phone i ran to the kitchen and started to robotically pour sugary granola in a bowl. i ended up pouring 3 bowls full and then ate some grapes, some cheese and crackers and some bread with jam.

I felt terrible after this binge and i even tried to throw up but i couldn't get much up. I hoped that i could turn this around the following day, but i was now officially obsessed with food and craving more sugar. The next day i kept telling myself, i can't screw up, but i also started having the creeping disease ridden thought that well, if i'm already off the wagon, i might as well partake in a couple of my favorite desserts before i officially "get back on track". By Monday, I was so freaked out about food that i had to take the afternoon off and i took off of work on Tuesday because i was so depressed and still craving time alone to eat all the food i could get. But whenever i did eat the food it just wasn't even that good and it never lasted long enough. I bought a pack of 6 donuts on Tuesday, cheaply from my local grocery and thought, well this should tide me over for the day. Well i was done with them in about 10 minutes and they were stale and not that tasty so i was left feeling like i still need more. And that's after consuing 1400 calores in 10 minutes!!!

Well it definitely took me some more time to get back on track, but i was committed to getting on the right path this Sat. and so far it's been working. But i have been extremely emotional and cranky especially when i feel the need to eat more or to get that sweet sugary fix. What makes this really stressful is that i live with my boyfriend so he's watching my every emotional rollercoaster and it's got to be difficult for him to have to deal with me when i freak out because i'm hungry and want sweets all the time. I cry about this alot and talk about my problems and that is just not a fun way to spend your weekend.

But i'm feeling okay today so far and i'm committing to an eating plan of 3 meals a day plus a snack all without sugar and flour. The book I'm using now seems to have very full meals so i'm hoping that i can make this work. I know i can't stay in the food, but it's just still so hard thinking i can't have this cookie or that piece of chocolate ever again!